So this it, the mountain I’m going to die on. Yep, I’m really going to die alone and celibate on this mountain. For whatever reason, God has called me to be Holy in this area. For my non-Christian-ease speaking friends, Holy simply means to be set apart. To not follow the regular customs of the rest of the world and do it differently. So again, I ask you God, whyyy me??
Well, God’s response has been pretty consistent. I have a dream, a vision, and a desire. The day I realized my marriage was over, I crept into my boy’s room while they were sleeping and quietly wept for the future they were going to have. I hoped they would come through it unscathed, all the while knowing nobody comes through divorce unscathed. So, I prayed two things that night; that they would know how very much Jesus loves them and that I would never, ever put them through another divorce again. The first prayer is a topic for another blog, but the second prayer… it haunts me. Every decision I make, every man I date, everything I Iearn, every moment of the day is filtered through the questions “How will this impact on my precious boys?” Therefore the dream/vision/desire for my life is simple – to be in a happy, God honoring marriage to a man who loves me, loves my boys and whom I love dearly.
Ya, I get it. I can hear you all now. The cynics have risen up in loud cries “THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN, THAT DOESN’T EXIST, and YOU’RE DREAMING.” YES, that’s right! I am dreaming!! But this isn’t my dream… its GOD’s dream for me. Don’t you know, his dreams are bigger than mine! He created us to be in relationship! He has plans to prosper me and not harm me. He can (and will it’s a promise) do exceedingly abundantly more than we can ever ask or imagine! He came to heal the broken hearted, redeem my life and recover what was lost!
Okay ladies, I’m talking to you. You know who you are, my sweet single friends who’ve lost hope. Who hear the cynical cries in your heart. Who can’t hear God’s sweet tender whispers of love. You ladies who jump into bed with any Tom, Dick and Harry because it feels good, or because that’s what everyone else does and no one seems to think it’s bad, or because you are trying to stomp down the broken, hurting place in your heart. You ladies who don’t know that you are worth so much more!! I know where you’ve been, I’ve been down this same exact path not so long ago. I’ve put out because I believed if I didn’t, I would get dumped and my heart would break all over again. But somewhere along the way, I realized I wasn’t getting where I wanted to go. My empty heart was still empty and more broken than ever. I was potentially going down the path that would lead to another divorce. I was not dating men that honored God or me. I was dating men that honored their own pieces and parts and what they thought they “deserved”.
Sisters, you desire so much more than what you’re getting through casual sex. I know it because you’ve told me so. It is your hearts deepest desire for the “yada”. The “yada” is a Hebrew word meaning “to know and be fully known, to be deeply respected.” Ladies, when you are done having sex with that man, what does your heart long for? Was your heart satisfied in that moment of climax? Do you leave the room feeling more empty and alone than when you walked in? Do you really believe that’s what God wants for you? Do you really believe that’s all your worth?
I know your heartbreak sweet sisters! But the absolute, gut honest truth is, I want an amazing marriage and life for my boys. I have struggled with this issue of knowing God wants me to wait to get married to have sex and the rest of the world thinking that’s just crazy talk. I struggle even writing this down because I know I will lose friends over it. But, I can’t have my heart’s desire by sleeping around. I wish it were different, I really do.
Ladies (and gentlemen, I know your reading too), I pray that you’ve taken to heart that God is not trying to ruin your fun, or be a God of rules and regulations. He really knows about your heartbreak, your children’s heartbreak and desperately wants to fulfill your heart’s desire. I just ask that you prayerfully consider letting Him into your heart, let him heal it and let him reveal the truth about staying away from casual sex.
As for me and my mountain – I’m really loving the view from up here! Come join me, I could sure use the company.
